I'm tired. Sometimes exhausted. Most of the time I'm great. It depends on the day and which Michelle shows up for the job. There are many personalities that inhabit my caregiving. But when I'm not great, when I'm tired, I question my decision to take dad in. I start to ask myself "self, was this a good idea?" "is it time to put him in a home?" "would he be happier surrounded by others or would he feel lonely?" "would I really be happier if he weren't in our home?" "would he?" "am I doing a good job?" "should I have reacted differently when he did that?" My many selves know the questions are endless and there really is no right or wrong answers to most of them. And it depends which one of me you ask...
In February we will start our sixth year. Dad, Tom and my many selves. One big happy family. Sometimes Tom jokingly asks "who am I speaking to?" A reference to Sybil. He's careful which me he says that to. Some of me's are cool with the gentle tease, some of me don't like it! He's learned to see who has emerged to care for dad that day.
Let me introduce my selves. There is Michelle, super christian. Michelle the wonder woman. (these two can merge to form one super duper Michelle!) Michelle the artist and writer. Happy go lucky Michelle and risk averse Michelle. There is co-dependent Michelle and independent Michelle. Compassionate patient Michelle and hurry the hell up Michelle. Just let me cry it out Michelle and crazy-better-get-the-straight-jacket and book-the-padded room Michelle. And these are just a few we have identified. The ones that show up most often. Did I mention that I can be one Michelle in the morning and a completely different Michelle by noon?
Caring for dad didn't give me multiple personalities. The Michelle's have always been here. But care giving has given a few of them a voice that is louder and a force that is more urgent. Maybe I'm older and can't control them as well. Or maybe I'm older and have just made peace with their presence. I do know I value some more than others and that I've learned lately that we all need each other. Cry it out Michelle occasionally needs to hear from Suck it up Michelle and OCD Michelle occasionally needs to listen to who the hell cares? Michelle. We all have a part to play and a job to do.
I've earned my Michelle's! And I've learned my Michelle's. I've learned that while she is a necessary part of me, cry it out Michelle can get a little dramatic. Suck it up Michelle has no patience for her but is at a loss when it comes to reigning her in. She can't hear because she is sobbing so loudly!! Super Christian Michelle when teamed up with wonder woman Michelle are a force to be reckoned with, but are too much alike and tend to crash and burn quickly. They are best tempered with mild mannered Michelle or better yet filled with the spirit Michelle. Crazy-better-get-the-straight-jacket and book-the-padded-room Michelle don't come around too often, since NONE of my others likes that one!
And so you see, I am never alone in my madness. If you thought I was nuts to take my dad into our home, this might just prove your point. And then again, they say it takes a village to raise a child. Maybe it takes a lot of Michelle's to care for one Sam?
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