Will The Real Michelle Please Stand Up?

I'm tired. Sometimes exhausted. Most of the time I'm great. It depends on the day and which Michelle shows up for the job. There are many personalities that inhabit my caregiving. But when I'm not great, when I'm tired, I question my decision to take dad in. I start to ask myself "self, was this a good idea?" "is it time to put him in a home?" "would he be happier surrounded by others or would he feel lonely?" "would I really be happier if he weren't in our home?" "would he?" "am I doing a good job?" "should I have reacted differently when he did that?" My many selves know the questions are endless and there really is no right or wrong answers to most of them. And it depends which one of me you ask...

In February we will start our sixth year. Dad, Tom and my many selves. One big happy family. Sometimes Tom jokingly asks "who am I speaking to?" A reference to Sybil. He's careful which me he says that to. Some of me's are cool with the gentle tease, some of me don't like it! He's learned to see who has emerged to care for dad that day.

Let me introduce my selves. There is Michelle, super christian. Michelle the wonder woman. (these two can merge to form one super duper Michelle!) Michelle the artist and writer. Happy go lucky Michelle and risk averse Michelle. There is co-dependent Michelle and independent Michelle. Compassionate patient Michelle and hurry the hell up Michelle. Just let me cry it out Michelle and crazy-better-get-the-straight-jacket and book-the-padded room Michelle. And these are just a few we have identified. The ones that show up most often. Did I mention that I can be one Michelle in the morning and a completely different Michelle by noon?

Caring for dad didn't give me multiple personalities. The Michelle's have always been here. But care giving has given a few of them a voice that is louder and a force that is more urgent. Maybe I'm older and can't control them as well. Or maybe I'm older and have just made peace with their presence. I do know I value some more than others and that I've learned lately that we all need each other. Cry it out Michelle occasionally needs to hear from Suck it up Michelle and OCD Michelle occasionally needs to listen to who the hell cares? Michelle. We all have a part to play and a job to do.

 I've earned my Michelle's! And I've learned my Michelle's. I've learned that while she is a necessary part of me, cry it out Michelle can get a little dramatic. Suck it up Michelle has no patience for her but is at a loss when it comes to reigning her in. She can't hear because she is sobbing so loudly!!  Super Christian Michelle when teamed up with wonder woman Michelle are a force to be reckoned with, but are too much alike and tend to crash and burn quickly. They are best tempered with mild mannered Michelle or better yet filled with the spirit Michelle. Crazy-better-get-the-straight-jacket and book-the-padded-room Michelle don't come around too often, since NONE of my others likes that one!

And so you see, I am never alone in my madness. If you thought I was nuts to take my dad into our home, this might just prove your point. And then again, they say it takes a village to raise a child. Maybe it takes a lot of Michelle's to care for one Sam?

Finishing Well

My mother always said "if you're going to do something, do it right". It's a good excuse not to do anything, since you know you can't/won't do it right!  And we had some pretty high standards in our house, so there was this thought process in me that said-if know you can't do it well why bother? It's a cop out really, but that saying, said by my mom repeatedly, shaped me. It's part of who I am now, and I believe it. There's something to be said for doing a thing to the best of your ability.

And along the way I picked up another...what do I call it? Life lesson? A goal? A burden? Ha-sometimes high standards can weigh a person down. This "standard" is: if you start something, see it through. Easier said than done and I don't think everything is worth finishing. I really don't. Sometimes it's just not worth the effort.  But I try to finish what I start as a general principle. And again, why start something if you aren't going to finish it? But do I finish everything? Heck no!!

All this leads me to my post today. When Dad gets hard to live with, or I get burned out, (or both at the same time!)  I wrestle with doing this right and seeing it through to the end. They are two different ideas or standards that can be done separately. One is hanging in there and toughing it out and the other is the quality of the job you are doing. You can just hang in there or you can hang in there and do a thing well. Lately, I've just been hanging in there. Don't get me wrong-there's value to hanging in there at times. I do, somehow, by God's good grace, stay married!! (Tom is a saint) So I think we have to decide what's worth finishing. But if a thing is worth finishing, isn't it then also worth doing well? To the best of our ability?  The meatier business, the challenge then, is finishing well.

So as I was thinking about writing this, I reread some of my previous stuff. Stuff I've published and stuff I haven't. I noticed a trend. I write after the fact. After a lesson has been learned or after I've had that "ah-ha" moment. It's why my blogger address is titled sacred-caregiving. Here are the first two definitions of sacred:

Sacred-adjective

1.devoted or dedicated to a deity or to some religious purpose; consecrated.

2.entitled to veneration or religious respect by association with divinity or divine things; holy.


I've said before that I feel this journey is less about my dad and more about what God is teaching me through caring for him. I dedicate this work of caregiving and this blog to the God who gives me the strength to do it. But I must admit, there are days, weeks and sometimes-those weeks stretch into months-where you would really wonder if that's true. If you saw how I behaved, my impatience, my sharp tongue. Days, weeks & months where I'm not doing it well at all. Hanging in there, yes, but doing things well, no. Burnt out, bummed out and ready to throw in the towel.

And thank you if you want to write me and tell me these feelings are normal and not to be so hard on myself. That it's a hard job and my feelings are valid. That may be true, but it's not a pass to speak harshly to him or to be unkind when he does something on purpose to irritate me. (I believe it's the only sport he has these days-and he gets reaction every time!! You'd think I'd learn??? ;) The irritation that rises after telling him the same thing six times in the same hour. You'd think knowing he has Alzheimer's would imbue me with supernatural patience and compassion. Wish it did. I still get irritated. No, there's a higher standard for this. A way to do this right. And I can't seem to do it right. But when I do catch that wave of love and compassion, I know its not me, and its sacred.

So as I reread my older stuff, my own blog ministered to me. Ah, and there is what's been missing! I keep trying to do this myself. To tough it out and push through. And I'm glad I did because out on the other side God's grace fills me with compassion, tenderness, patience and love. It's an ongoing process of learning to lean on God for the grace to do the job. Maybe one day, I'll learn this lesson? Because I do want to finish, but more importantly, I want to finish well.

On a Clear Day

I write today from my heart. I'm not going to second guess it or save it and read it tomorrow to see if I should put it out there. I write to give it my voice and to join with others who have or are going through the same. There is something about shared experience that makes it easier. So this is for me, but also for all of you I know are going through the same thing. I hope it encourages you.

I try to keep a glass half full approach to life. I live with a glass half empty dad these days. I wouldn't say he's unhappy, just old and tired and sort of done. His favorite saying is "the golden years suck!" His perspective is skewed by his losses and the betrayal of his body and mind. In his mind the good is behind him. I try not to judge that or lecture him to "look at the bright side", because I'm not sure he hasn't earned the right to it. I don't remember if he was so negative before mom died, but I don't think so.

 I tried to get dad to the barber this morning, but he refused to go because "I'm just too tired. I'm always tired anymore. I'm just tired. Let me sleep."  With those words was a weariness of the soul. I cancelled the appointment. Some days are better than others. I do my best to make his days easy, but I understand his limitations. Again, at 92 he's earned the right to take a nap an hour after he gets up!!

He would never say he's got/had it bad. He's just living in a very small world right now. That's hard for a guy who's seen most of the globe and done almost everything he wanted to do in life. So the glass really has emptied for this man who had the world by the tail most of his life.

 But sometimes I catch myself falling into the half empty glass with him. Because I live with/see daily the loss that comes with age, it's hard not to look down the road and think "well crap, this is gunna be a bummer!" When just getting out of bed is exhausting. And then I remind myself that while I may be captain of my ship, I have absolutely no control over the weather. Sure, I can steer the wheel. And on a clear day that might get me somewhere. But during a storm I am at nature's mercy and my best bet is to make sure I have a sturdy ship that can weather that storm. Because there will be another storm. One of the lessons I'm learning is: put up the sails and cruise for all its worth when the weather is good kids!

And another message I heard today: When the glass begins to look half empty and you see your parents enduring so much loss, you need to make sure your ship is storm ready. I know that God is in control and while I do not understand it all-deep in the why's and the "are you kidding me's?"-I've learned to trust even when I can't see through the rain in the storms. Sometimes I understand the why's later. Sometimes I don't. But to realize that He is the master of the clear day as well as the storm and that only He can keep my ship from sinking!

The storms serve a purpose. They help us understand our place in the scheme of things and the limitations of our ship. Our destination has more to do with where the storms blow our ship than our skills as a sailor and how well we sail on a clear day.

Just some thoughts on a clear day. Put up your sails and take your parent out on the water.

Soul Care

Warning: this post has lots of heavy spiritual stuff. If that's not your thing, now is a good time to opt for another blog!

dad watching TV in the hospital bed

I've been so busy lately that I really haven't had time to blog much. (I write them and don't finish them so I have a bunch I need to finish and post) When dad is doing well I tend to get busy. I'm not sure what I do, but it started last spring with the yard and garden and its just kept going. So it's good that dad is doing well. And it gives me a reprieve. That can all change with the blink of an eye.

Two weeks ago, out of nowhere, he spiked a fever and lost all the strength in his legs. I've been down that road before, so I wasted no time getting him to a doctor. Well, I tried Urgent Care first, which was a waste of time and we ended up in the ER and then the hospital for five days. He has bounced back really quickly this time which I'm very grateful for. He was able to come home instead of going to rehab. A decision that I may have made to quickly-because Tom and I both ended up with the same flu-and baby, what a ride-but because he bounced back so quickly and is gaining so much strength with the in home therapy it's all come out alright. But this last round in the hospital got me thinking. About time. How much time do I really have left with dad? 

I'm very much a doer. If Jesus were over for dinner I would definitely be a Martha. If you know that story, you know Mary was at the feet of Jesus, and Martha thought Mary should be helping her with the work. The Martha's of this world relate. We understand there is a job to be done and someone has got to do it. But what the story is all about is that you miss the best thing while you're doing the good thing and "getting stuff done".

I had been thinking that I'd been so busy that I hadn't been taking the time with Dad that I should. I provide for his needs and do the work that by now is second nature to his care, but I have been missing a vital piece. The caring for his soul. I've written about this before, I think, and I believe it should be THE priority in my care taking-so why do I find I've let this slip through the cracks? Because I got busy being Martha again.

People need to connect. To be loved. It is our most basic need. How often do we care for people in the most practical ways yet miss the most important way. To care for a child, spouse or a parent's physical needs-but be so busy "doing" we miss doing the more important work of feeding their souls? I realize that it's not an actual job or something tangible that I can mark off a list. But darn it! Why isn't it? So, I'm going to put that on my list. 1) exercise 2) finish laundry 3) attend to dads soul care...Or better yet 1) attend to dads soul care 2) exercise 3) finish laundry. 

And how can we do this? How can we honor a parents soul? A caring touch or a hug. Looking into their eyes when you ask them how they are this morning. Listening, when you ask how they are. Making time to talk to them for more than just a mealtime conversation. Letting them tell the same story you've heard a hundred times as though it was the first time. Making them feel valuable and important and useful, when society says the exact opposite. Saying "I love you dad". These are a few, but you get the drift. It's the little things. The things we can forget when there is a flurry of activity and things to get done.

The elderly have to deal with an incredible amount of loss. I spend a lot of time with them anymore and I can tell you the losses are many. Most have lost a spouse of many years.  Loneliness is huge in that demographic.  As is depression.  Taking care of their physical needs is of course critical. But taking care of their soul needs is a little harder. They may have mental issues that makes it harder to figure out what if anything you can do for their soul. But Alzheimer research has shown that music can open up the soul of a person otherwise closed by the disease. There is much research on the healing effects of touch and smell. My experience has been that while that person is not who they used to be there is still a soul locked in that mind. Even those whose minds have been ravaged by the disease may respond to something deeper that touches their soul. 

So, while I don't want him to go to the hospital again, it did snap me back to the realities of time and lack thereof. Being a busy Martha it's easy to be distracted by the physical needs in the world. It reminded me to make sure that my care taking is as much about the soul care as it is about his physical needs. And slowing down always gives me the gift of intention. When I go through my day with intention I can lay my head down on the pillow at night and even if I've checked nothing of my "to do" list, I can sleep well knowing I did what was really important that day.