But I Don't Want To God!

This post of the series Who Takes Care of the Caretaker will focus on the spiritual side of caretaking and why I believe it is a sacred duty. I can’t say truthfully that I wanted to take dad in. I did it in part because something had to be done. I did it because I knew, from the time 20 years earlier when my aunt went into an assisted living facility that that was not what dad wanted. I remember many times going to see her and after leaving dad would say “I don’t ever want to end up in a place like that!” He was quiet adamant about that. So we knew he didn’t want to do that. I did it because we had honored my mother’s dying wishes by caring for her, we should do no less for dad. I did it for all those reasons, yes. But it doesn’t mean I wanted to. And though those are all good reasons, they are not the reason I took dad in.

When it became clear we needed to push for some type of move, my sister and I tried twice unsuccessfully to get him in an assisted living.  He had a million reasons why he didn’t need to be there and short of declaring him mentally incompetent, which I’m not even sure we could have done, he was NOT doing anything he didn’t want to. While he knew he had issues, he was in complete denial that they were as bad as they were. I was over every day, several times a day caring for him and was exhausted. One day I thought to myself that it would just be easier if he was living with me. And that’s when the idea came to me and I thought—“no way! Are you crazy? You would all be at each other’s throats in a week’s time!!”And I dismissed the idea as easily as I had it.

Several other incidents happened in the next few months that compelled us all to agree that he was not safe at home alone anymore. But true to form, dad was stubbornly not going into “one of those places”. And he especially wasn’t going anywhere without his beloved dog. And that’s when I heard the still small voice in my head. “NO!” I said-“absolutely not! He has means and I have a busy life-he will just have to go into an assisted living.” And I determined if it had to be by force then so be it. Forcing someone is a whole big deal, and none of us wanted to go down that road. Not to mention he was in such a bad place I think we all thought it would kill him. But I certainly couldn’t take him in! It was just too much.

Well, I couldn’t sleep worrying about him and what we were going to do. Unfortunately I could still eat…some people can’t eat when they are stressed and I really envy that! Wait, how did I go there??!! Back to the subject. I was a wreck and in my spirit I heard a voice saying “honor your father and your mother- not just your mother, but your father with all his issues too”. “But mom was dying of cancer!” “So is your father…and this is what I want you to do. I want you to minister to your dad and care for him both in body, soul and spirit”. Now I don’t hear God audibly. Some do. I never have. I didn’t have any dreams or visions. But I’ve been a Christ follower long enough to know when God is speaking to me. I’ve also ignored it enough to know I will miss the blessing if I chose my way. And I’ve grown enough through the years that I know that no matter what God takes me through, he loves me and will sustain me. But did I mention I didn’t want to do it??

I fought this for all I was worth at first. I knew it would be hard. I knew he was ill, wouldn’t be happy and would take it out on me. I knew. I knew I didn’t have the patience and all the other traits needed to care for him. I knew because I was played out already and he wasn’t living with me yet. And I knew God certainly didn’t want me to sacrifice myself for my dad. Wait, what? Jesus sacrificed himself for us? That’s the example. Well, I reasoned “I’m not a saint and neither is dad. I’m also no martyr. Surly I’ve made a mistake and this is not the voice of God. It must be guilt or the path of least resistance. There must be another way!!” And I’m sure there was. But not for me. The more I struggled against it and prayed for God to take away the idea or not let it happen somehow, the surer I became that yes, this is what God wanted. I wasn’t what I wanted. It wasn’t what dad wanted. But through many things that pointed that way, God made it plain that this was what He wanted. And I still always held a thought that either it wouldn’t be long or that if it didn’t work out, we could more easily transition him to a memory care unit.

I think from my past writings you can tell that it has not been an easy journey. Nothing worthwhile ever is. I had to give up my teaching and other activities to be there for dad because of the Alzheimer’s.  I struggled with resentment. I struggled to meet his needs with the right spirit. I struggled when he was ungrateful. I struggled when I saw others with the freedom I had given up. I just struggled. And what I can say is that through those selfish struggles, through the grief, through the depression, yes all the bad stuff, God always blessed with the good stuff. I wrote in my second post that God taught me to lean in and depend on His strength and not my own. He gave me compassion when I had none. Peace when I was upset. Strength when I was tired and weak. Patience when I wanted to wring that old man’s neck! All that and more. All I had to do was come to Him. (Mt. 11:28-30) He gave me time with dad. I wasn’t just a way station between this life and the next. This was a sacred time to help dad heal from old wounds, to help him salvage his dignity in the face of his disease and time to form a deep bond with my dad. And it was a time of deep personal growth for me.

There is much more I can say on this subject, and will I’m sure in later posts. But for now I will end with these thoughts. I have Amazon Prime. I can order something online, pay no shipping and be guaranteed two day delivery! Because I know I don’t have to pay shipping I just order all kinds of stuff online now! (It’s a beautiful thing for those who can’t get out to the stores. It’s also dangerous! J ) What you have to consider is that it costs up front. I’m pretty sure in the past I wouldn’t have ordered enough stuff in a year to pay $99 in shipping (which is the cost of Prime, but my son got it at a student rate), but because I have Prime I’ve ordered well above that by now. So it has paid for itself. And here’s the lesson. There’s usually a cost to obeying God. It’s not a “you do this for me and I’ll do that for you” thing. It’s a loving relationship where He has sacrificed his life for me and I in turn sacrifice my will to Him. (Did I mention I didn’t really want to take dad in?) So while there may be an upfront cost to obedience, God’s resources for the task are then there for the asking. I don’t mean to trivialize obeying God by comparing it to Amazon Prime, but I know from experience that the blessings I’ve received from doing this sacred work have far outweighed any price I ever paid to obey.

Taking care of an elderly parent, no matter the situation, I believe is our sacred duty. Honor your father and mother is one of the big ten. (Commandments J) How each of us does that looks different. Just because I took my father in to our home does not make my duty any more sacred than yours. Putting someone in a home even if they don’t want to go doesn’t mean you are honoring them any less or that by taking mine in I did it better or right. Or that one or the other is easier or harder. It is all hard!! You are still caring for that parent in the best way you can for everyone involved. For me, it was made sacred by my dependence on God to take what was a difficult situation and place it in His control. To let go and as they say, let God. To ask Him for His spirit and resources to honor my dad and show him respect while caring for him. And in doing that my faith grew. I wonder if God telling me to care for dad was more for me than for dad.