Keeping it Real

In the spirit of keeping it real, I have a confession to make. I'm not enlightened or have all the answers. Bet you knew that tho, huh? If you know me at all, you may even wonder who the spiritual chick is who writes this stuff! All that spiritual stuff I wrote about, how you just have to obey and give it all to God-that stuff-it's all true and I really believe it. But sadly, I don't do it all the time. This is real, and I am human. And the real, human side, fails.

A few days ago I returned from a beautiful vacation. My husband and I have been married 36 years and these last year's have had their share of struggles. We had a little extra cash and decided to pop for a vacation to Cancun, Mexico, at a lovely resort there. It was fabulous. When I talked about respite a few posts ago, I only wish everyone could take that kind of break. Sun, sand, surf, food, drinks and entertainment to your hearts content. I did nothing I didn't want to and someone else fixed my meals and made my bed. Everyday. It was awesome. Until we came home...and then there is reality.

After traveling all day, getting home a 1 A.M and not getting enough sleep because I took my brother to the airport the next day at 4 A.M., reality set in. And I had a huge meltdown and pity party. Rather embarrassing, looking back. I was nasty to my husband, angry that I had to serve everyone while I wasn't feeling good. (which I really didn't) I called my daughter and cried that I was tired of caretaking and that the only solutions to that both sucked: putting him in a home or his death. I felt extremely sorry for myself. My daughter may have thought I was nuts, but never said so. She may, in fact, know me by now? She just listened and offered to pray for me and I felt comfort. I did ask God for help, but I admit it didn't look to hard for any answers. I was exhausted and sick and let my emotions run wild. (I'd been sick my whole trip, but sick in Cancun beats the heck outta sick in Ohio!)

And then sanity spoke. Reason once agin made herself known.  It stunk to come back from such a great vacation and back to caretaking, but the one I care for can't even travel anymore. Travel was the one think he loved almost as much as my mom. Here I was whining after a great get away and he will never see far flung places again. Suddenly I was so ashamed of myself for feeling that way. It doesn't happen very often anymore, but this was pretty bad. I really didn't want to "caretake" anymore. A day later, I feel privileged to do this work. And that's real too. One day its awful and you hate it and the next it's not. Emotions are fickle. You have to pay attention to them sometimes, but you also have to know when they are not helpful. They are not my reality. Not my where my strength lies. If I hadn't called my daughter, said these things out loud and heard their selfish hollow whiney sound, I might have entertained them longer. I'm glad I acknowledged them and saw them for what they were. They are legitimate, but held up to the truth they lose their power over me., I don't mean to downplay the burden of caretaking. I know how hard it is. But it's just as hard or harder to be the one cared for. The one for whom life's light is growing dim.It's true that I have a lot on my plate, but I really have learned to turn it over to God in whom I find my strength. It's also true I feel confined, but I also know my dad is really confined and that I still have freedoms and abilities he has been denied-not by his own will-but by his age and diminished capacities. I have chosen this, I still have a choice. And for me this will end and I will again have my freedom. There are many out there for whom caretaking will not end any time soon. 

My focus was wrong. It was on me and the negatives. When I turned my focus off myself and my burdens, and gave thanks to God for the positives, my perspective and attitude changed. I gave thanks for family that helps. I gave thanks that he can still walk and hold a conversation. I gave thanks that we can spend time together, and go out to lunch once in a while. I gave thanks that he has what memories remain and that while I may hear the same stories over and over again, these are his memories and are important to him, and we get to share that with him. I gave thanks that I am in a position to care for him. And the list goes on.  And as I made my list, I felt the dread and sorrow leave. 

I don't want to diminish my feelings or give the impression that this isn't hard and as a friend put it "those feelings are valid and you shouldn't feel bad for feeling that way". They are valid. But the things you feed become the things that grow. Sure it's tough sometimes. But it's been worse, like when he was ill, and right now we really are in a sweet spot and I honestly am feeling pretty lucky overall!! Today. Glad I didn't write this the other day. And in my defense, I had been sick all through my vacation, just traveled 12 hours and hadn't had much sleep. All of which contributed to my little melt down.Exhaustion is a caretakers enemy-even though I'd just had 7 pretty restful days-exhaustion is quick to take a swing at you, and usually levels a pretty good blow.  I later had a little girlfriend time where my friend who is a teacher said she gets a little down when summer ends and she goes back to school.  It's not that she doesn't love her job, but some years are hard and a job is, well, a job. Caretaking is work. And while its important to take a break and get away, sometimes it stinks to come back and at the same time it's good to be home!! That's keeping it real!