Who Takes Care of the Caretaker-Part Two

This will be part of a series about taking care of yourself as caretaker by taking care of your body, mind and spirit. In the first post (view that here) I talked about taking care of your body with exercise to keep you healthy and relieve stress.  Stress is the number one enemy of the caretaker and will lead you on a path with all kinds of issues that will take you down physically or mentally if you don’t learn to manage it. Remember, you can’t take care of anyone if you are sick yourself.  This post overlaps both caring for the body and mind with rest.

Rest is necessary to the body and mind and keeps us functioning at our best.  I’m not going to talk about sleep, because I’m hoping that goes without saying. So what do I mean by rest if I don’t mean sleep?  I mean respite. I mean getting away. I mean relaxing and letting go of your responsibilities for a time. 

When I first brought dad home I felt this overwhelming sense of responsibility. It was my job to keep him safe now, what if I screwed up and something happened on my watch?? My siblings entrusted his care to me and I felt the weight of that and took it seriously. Maybe too seriously, you know? Stuff happens! But I was responsible for an adult, a parent whom I respected, loved and wanted the best for, but also one who could no longer make rational decisions. An aging parent who understood--and at the same time, sadly, didn’t understand. A parent who was desperately clinging to the tiny shreds of independence he still had. I know how hard all this was on me, but it was painful to watch how hard it was on him. I still had a duty, though, whether he liked it-or understood it! It was all for his own good, but that didn’t make things any easier.

That first year was the roughest. I remember the battles I had with him about walking the dog, among other things. I knew that walking was good for him, but he had gotten lost several times after he moved here and still he was determined to walk! Once, dressed in long pants and a sweatshirt, he left without my knowledge on a hot (I mean really hot and humid) July afternoon.  After driving around frantically looking for him, I was ready to call the police. I finally found him in another neighborhood in a state of dehydration, barely able to walk. I put him in the car, rushed him home and cooled him off.  “What were you thinking??” I asked--which looking back was a really stupid question. As I undressed him, cooled him with a cold cloth and gave him water-he replied that he believed Whiskers (his dog) would lead him home!!  This is only one example of the way his thinking is faulty and the battles we fought on several fronts because he doesn’t understand there is anything wrong.  I knew he was fighting for any independence he could still have, and all I wanted was for him to accept his fate and make it easy for me! He viewed me as the “warden” which he called me often (the Nazi, sheriff, shall I go on?) and was just pissed off at his me --his captor. I was frustrated and angry that he couldn’t see how hard this was for me and cut me a break!  These were not easy times. It was exhausting to say the least. (One of the wisest things anyone ever told me about dealing with Alzheimer’s was “you can’t reason with someone who can’t reason.” That changed everything for me. That’s a whole other post!)

I tell you all this to explain that this was all new to me.  I had no idea what I was doing or how to do it.  Or how hard it would be.   It is hard to care for someone whose mind is spotty and to learn to treat them with dignity, respect and honor while still keeping them safe. I didn’t do it well very often I’m afraid.  I seriously underestimated his dementia because he’s always been sharp and was pretty good at fooling us (and others who didn't spend enough time with him to figure it out) into believing he knew what he was doing. I know better now, which helps, but there was a very long learning curve for all of us.  And it really wore me out.  (dad-not so much-I swear arguing and outwitting me kept him going every day!) But any type of caretaking is going to take a toll. And that’s where rest comes in. 

My biggest mistake from the very beginning was trying to do it all myself.  I really underestimated the stress involved and what it would do to me-OR HOW MUCH A BRIEF REST WOULD HELP KEEP THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE.  I have support from family and both brothers have taken dad for a week so we could go on vacation (thanks Bro’s!) and my sister takes him one day a week to lunch and a movie sometimes or to dinner, which is more that some folks get. (Thanks Sis!) But live in caretaking is 24/7, 365 and I needed more "rest" --but didn't know it. I finally got so burnt out I felt that if I didn’t get some time off I would have to find a home for him.  None of us wanted to do that.  Just getting him out of his house and into mine was traumatic-Lord help us when we tried to do that!! And there were other stress factors that played into things as well. It’s not like life stops and says “hey, you’ve got enough on your plate-you’re going to get a break here”. Nope, when it rains it pours. And it did.

In the effort to keep these short enough to read without a cup of coffee and a comfortable chair--I’m going to wind it up here and share the "rest" next week. What I will say now is that caretaking in any form is stressful and you need a break at times to keep you healthy so you can care for others. You are probably at a time in your life when other stuff is happening too.  You may be and adult child in the “sandwich” phase of life where you have teens still at home and aging parents to care for.  You may be empty nesters thinking this should be a time of rest for you, but instead you find yourself parenting your parents. You may be experiencing the health issues that happen after 50 and are battling to stay healthy and care for unhealthy parents.  You may be a spouse who never saw this coming and who grieves the life you once had and wonder how you can manage to care for your spouse at your advanced age. Maybe you are caring for someone who has cancer or an ill child. Your loved one may be at home with you, or in a home.  They may have their mind and not their health, or their health and not their mind. Or they may have neither. From all the caretakers I talk to and all the stories I hear, the particulars don’t matter. Every situation is different except for the common thread of stress. While some may think I’ve had it rough, I can point you to others who’ve had it worse. Or better. That’s not the point. The point is that we need to take care of ourselves so that we can give our parent/spouse /loved one the best we have to give. Isn’t that why we are doing this?  To provide the best possible care for our loved one. To do that you need to take care of yourself!!  Next week I will share the solutions I found but in the meantime, if you are feeling overwhelmed or depleted, ask yourself “when was the last time I had any time away?” Only you can answer how much is enough, but from my small surveys, most people are not getting enough respite. I know it's hard to do, but I think it’s the most important thing I’ve done for myself as a caretaker.

If you took the time to read this, I hope it helps you or someone you know. Until next time, if you are a caretaker, are you getting any "rest"?  

Who Takes Care of the Caretaker?

Who takes care of the caretaker? You do. You are the best person to make sure you are taken care of. You are really the only one who knows what you need. They say you can't take good care of anyone if you don't take care of yourself. Since I've been caretaking my health has taken some hits. As a woman, which is all I can speak to, we just power through anything that doesn't absolutely sideline you (usually that's called motherhood) because there are people who depend on you. Until you can't. And that's what "they" are talking about. When you are sidelined. Then who takes care of the people who are depending on you? 

I'm going to break this post down into several because I've learned that taking care of yourself takes a holistic approach.  In this post I want to talk about taking care of yourself with exercise. Now wait! Before you click away, hear me out. I'm not going to suggest you start running marathons or anything. What I am going to tell you is why I know it works and why as a caretaker it might make sense to explore the idea.

I know it works because I saw it modeled in my dad. Dad always took care of himself physically. Maybe it was his disciplined military training, but he always kept himself fit.  So the models I had were mom and dad. Mom was pretty good, but was inconsistent and really battled her weight. What I saw with mom was a struggle that came from inconsistency and lack of discipline. (And that's me)  What I saw with dad was a lifestyle that kept things in check. I am 100% sure-because I've done a lot of research-that physical exercise kept his mind sharper, longer, than it would have been otherwise. Dad ran every day of the work week and did "calisthenics" when I was growing up. When he could no longer run due to his knee, he walked four miles daily and did his calisthenics.  When he could no longer take long walks in his 80's, he took shorter ones with his dog.  He just did it. And kept doing it. So when I saw research that said that physical exercise kept all those neuro pathways healthy--I was sold!!  Now that he can't walk very far anymore, I make sure he does chair exercises or rides his recumbent bike. Because I know that helps his mind! Now if that worked for him, it can work for me-and you! So our lifestyle can not only affect our health as we ourselves age, it can keep our minds sharper longer as well. If you have Alzheimer's in your family, it's something to consider.   

But exercise is also a proven stress reliever. And if you are caretaking in any form you have stress.  Managing the stress was something I wasn't doing very well. I've always tried to take care of myself. To me, that looks like keeping my weight manageable, eating healthy and moderate exercise. But I'm not like dad. I'm not very self disciplined. I do better with accountability and sociability! And caretaking really limits those options. So when my friend suggested I try a spinning class at the gym up the street, only five minutes away, I thought "why not"?  Thought. I. Would. DIE...but I went back. (Glutton for punishment I guess!) Amazingly, all those people in that class made it all the way through class with a sheen of sweat and a smile at the end! I can do this, I can do this! And pretty soon I was! There were times when I would be maxed out by stress and I would get on that bike and just pedal for all I was worth-and come out feeling so much better. What I learned was that I not only handled the stress better, but I got out of the house, I did something just for me, and I felt better as the months went by. I was learning to take care of the caretaker! 

I've kept that up for three years now. Pretty proud of myself since I'm not a hard core workout person. No crossfit for this girl! Too old, never going to win any marathons. But I did notice that I could burn off some of the negative energy in those classes and that my overall endurance began to improve. In-home caretaking can be isolating, so the social aspect was good for me too. And I was happier, because I was doing something for me. Just me. Something that was ultimately going to be good for me. I've always done yoga but hadn't kept that up-so I added that in regularly as well. Yoga really helps with stress and gives you flexibility and tones your muscles. I lift some light weights as well.  I kept walking on the days I didn't spin and, like dad, I just do it. (Or like Nike) I've realized exercise is not a luxury. It's a necessity. What if you don't have time?  You have to prioritize time for yourself. I'm pretty sure you can find a half an hour somewhere in your day to take a walk. It really is just that simple. A body in motion, stays in motion.  

The moral of the story is that while exercise is good for my mind and relieves stress, I was doing something for ME. When you are a caretaker you are giving of yourself all day long. You need to remember to give to yourself as well. Do good things for yourself. Because I know from experience, if you don't take care of yourself you really can't take good care of anyone else. 

The Doubt and Guilt of Caretaking

As I sit to write another post I'm thinking that last blog was "it".  Yup, that's all I've got folks!!  I could just leave it at that and I've said enough. For me, this has all been a "God thing" and learning to lean on Him. So right now I kind of feel inadequate to go on. But I know what I've said has helped a few.  And it helps me to write it. So maybe if I babble on, my prayer is that someone else will find some comfort.  This is a post I've been thinking about for a long time. It has to do with guilt. Self imposed guilt and the guilt we take on from others who we feel judge us for our caretaking choices. (they may not understand and more often than not have our best interest at heart)

"Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gunna get"-- Forest Gump. You know--walk a mile in my shoes and all that wise stuff!  In the circles I run in now I am surrounded by lots of elderly couples whose spouses have Alzheimer's.  Many Alzheimer's patients get violent or wander around getting into things in the middle of the night or forget where the bathroom is in the house they've lived in for half a century and have accidents on the floor. Stuff like that. It's hard. One sweet woman in particular who I have come to know just had to put her beloved husband in a memory care unit. With no family close by she was "it" - his only source of care besides "Day Out" (our Alzheimer's program) one half day a week. These couples are my heroes!  But it had just become too much to handle. (We all have limits and reach them! I will blog about that in the future) There was so much sorrow in her heart over her decision.  It felt like a betrayal of her marriage vows to her husband. And he told her if she left him there he would'nt stay! You want to talk about guilt with a capital G!!  But I ask you, if you have reached a point where your loved one or you yourself are no longer safe physically, emotionally or mentally, what is the loving thing to do? In my opinion, she did the loving thing. 

When I took dad in there were many well meaning people who thought I was completely nuts.  Further into it, there were many who saw the toll they thought it was taking on me and strongly suggested this was not the right choice. For either of us. And I can see why they thought that. There are facilities that can care for the elderly and I could "get my life back".  Tempting to be sure. While I listened and really weighed their opinions, I knew they were wrong.  For me.  For my dad.  At this time. (I kept and continue to keep my options open) While I would not suggest in-home care--or discourage it--for anyone, I will say I didn't sense the same support for this choice that I might have had if I had chosen the other. But I've heard the same thing from those who made other choices. I'm not sure any decision is a win for anyone. There is a lot of loss here in this place and these times. And there are always sideline coaches who may mean well, but in "helping" may "help" keep us from finding peace with our decisions. What I will say about caring for my dad in my home it that it has given me valuable time with him that I will never regret. 

These decisions are never easy. What to do with a parent who should no longer live by themselves is a big deal. Often the parent can't make the decisions themselves and it is up to you to do that for them. That's a slippery slope if they are in denial about their situation or are going to fight you. Even if you have a compliant parent, how to handle that life change without them losing their dignity and pride is hard.  A move is a huge transition for anyone, let alone an elderly person.  There is no "right" answer across the board. You will go probably go through doubt and guilt before you make a decision--and after. Your choices and options are unique to your situation.  We made choices that we felt made the most sense at the time but more importantly, that were the most loving response to dad's situation.  We did the best we could do. And I'm sure you did or will too.

Just realize this: even in the best scenario's this is going to be gut wrenching. Stuff may and probably will happen that make you second guess your decision.  I know I did!  And it is really, really stressful for everyone involved.  So cut everyone a wide path. Further down that path it will smooth out a little. Take those times to enjoy your parent because we can't see too far down that road and you don't know what the future holds. You only have today.  "And that's all I have to say about that". --the great philosopher Forest Gump.

Trimming Trees and Caretaking

Before I get into some of the more practical aspects of caretaking, I want to tell you a little story.  Back many years ago when we lived in the suburbs of Chicago in the house and place I remember as some of the best times of my life--you know, those years where the kids are not teens yet and your parents are not too old yet? (and neither are you!) Those years.

I had a large yard and gardened like I did everything else in my life, full out and all the way.  I moved yards (10 or more) of compost each spring to the various garden beds and tended my flower and vegetable beds almost daily. It was glorious work. And that yard was a work of art.  What I love about the garden is that it is new each year. I created new vignettes every year in the ever evolving landscape. And like the garden, those years we some of the best for me.  Relatively problem free and we were just really in a good place there.

One day while the older kids were at school and the youngest was napping, I decided to trim a tree branch that had been bugging me for a while. There was this one low branch that just needed to be trimmed off.  So I dragged out the step ladder and a hand saw and set about the task. I set the ladder up under the offending branch and stepped up with saw in hand. The ladder was a little old and wobbly, but not too bad. I climbed a few steps further up that unsteady ladder to the last step. Reaching the limb, I took hold of it and began to saw. With each pull of the saw the little ladder rocked.  I think you know where this is going.

Now I'm not always the sharpest tool in the shed. I lead with my heart and I will never be remembered for my incredible intellect. It's ok. I've accepted that.  I have other strengths. It takes all kinds and while we always want what we don't have, part of life is playing to the strengths you've been given. I've always felt I had good common sense though, but where it was that day, I'm not sure.

It wasn't a thick branch, maybe an inch and a half or two. I'm almost through it when don't you know--(of course you do!) the ladder rocks just a little too far with that last pull of the saw and then-being the ever resourceful woman that I am-I grab a branch and hang on as the ladder gives way beneath me and tips over on the ground. Only the branch I grabbed is the very one-you guessed it-that I am trimming and have almost cut through. Well, you get the picture. I'm hanging there for a brief few seconds, holding a saw in one hand and clinging to a branch that threatens to finish ripping from the tree from my weight with the other. There for that brief second I didn't realize how badly this would end. Until it did. Ouch. I didn't just hit the ground, I fell on top of the ladder.  I'm pretty sure that's when I permanently injured my hip. (I hear you laughing and it's ok! Humor and being able to laugh at life and myself is one of my strengths. I’ve also had a lot of practice!)

At first I was stunned. I just laid there in a heap, unable to move from the pain.  I thought I might throw up. I rolled off the ladder and remember thinking "Gosh, I hope no one saw that!" Not one of my finer moments. I must have been in shock but I remember wondering if I was going to have to crawl in the house and call 911 or perhaps just perish in the front yard from my own stupidity.  A few minutes into the incredible pain, I remember thinking about my sleeping son in the house.  I couldn't just lay out here indefinitely. And I think I honestly almost passed out. Painfully I made it to my hands and knees and began to crawl to the front door. Once inside, I laid on the floor until I could lift my head without feeling like I was going to hurl.  Eventually, the nausea passed and I was able to stand and limp to the couch. My son woke and I remember thinking I should see a doctor, but I don't think I ever did. I do vividly remember a bruise that covered my entire hip and a sore hip for a really long time. (I really don't think I went to the doctor because it was so stupid and I didn't want to explain what happened!!) That hip has problems to this day.

I may lose a few with the spiritual side of my story, but I hope not because it is in these lessons that I have found real peace and the sacred side of caring for dad. I promise not to get all preachy every post or tell you lofty things that sound really spiritual!!  That's not who I am. Trust me. But I have always had this side to me. If you're coming from my other blog you already know I tell you this story because I love a good metaphor. Caretaking, or any trial in life, can look a lot like this story. We see an issue (the branch/dad's situation), we think it's a relatively easy job and we know what to do (trim it/caretaking), and we go about it by bringing out our tools to fix it.  We don't really ask God about it.  It looks pretty straight forward. Even simple. I've got this!  Ah, there's the trouble.  As I've said, I've done caretaking all wrong.  Usually with the same results as the tree trimming story. What I've learned, on some days but certainly not all, is that when I try to drag out my own resources to do a job without making sure they are going to be stable and on solid ground, I'm in trouble. God is the solid ground. He can help you trim the tree if He calls you to do it, but you'd better be sure you borrow his tools and don't try to rely on yours.  Yours are not going to cut it. Or like my story, they'll cut it but you'll be hanging by the branch you almost cut through before your ladder falls over!!

There are a lot of issues that come into play when caring for an elderly person. You are responsible for that person's well being and that's not a small thing.  So whether it's as simple as holding my tongue so I don't bruise his spirit or something larger like rushing to the doctor in an emergency, my first order of business should be asking the man upstairs for the right tools. I say this with all sincerity and knowing that twenty minutes after I post this I will be hanging from a partially sawn limb!!  But I knew better when I climbed that ladder and it wobbled. I should have stopped then. And I didn't. (slow learner?) I am smart enough not to repeat things that have the potential to HURT BAD! Pain is not easily forgotten, so it too has a purpose. And I have learned much through this thing called caretaking. I have had and caused some pain. Luckily, I don't repeat the same stupid thing twice.  Ok, maybe I do, but I'm working on it!

We aren't called to do life or it's problems on our own. Matt. 11:28-30 says:  Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light".  So the key word here is "come". He doesn't say "come to me all polished up and smelling good". He just say's "come". He doesn't say "come to me when you get it figured out and I will bless it".  No, there are no conditions to it. Just come. Come before, during or after you've screwed it up. He's always there, whenever you figure out you need His help. All we have to do is come! It's that simple.

When I finally began to come, things slowly began to change. I know He redeems my impulsivity and good intentions. But it's a lot less work to just wait for Him to bring you a ladder and place it on solid ground! The trick  for me is not to just throw up this little prayer asking God to bless what I think needs to be done, but instead to ask Him for the wisdom to know what really needs to be done and for His strength to do it. The job may still be difficult but the right tools can save us a lot of time, trouble, exertion and pain!

As I said in my first post, I've learned a lot about myself during this process. Most of what I'm learning about myself are my limits. The last 6 years have been some of the hardest, yes. But also some of the richest in terms of finding God and myself in the process. This is the overriding lesson: I have limits. God has none. Why would I not come?

Caring for Dad

(Intro from my blog Living a Creative Life)  Because of the response to my posts on Care-taking, I decided to start another blog.  A blog just about caretaking, which for me has become a "sacred duty".  (I read that somewhere early on about caretaking and remember thinking "yeah, ok, right! It doesn't feel too sacred!")  I have struggled with my art blog and it not being the place for these kinds of thoughts, and while I felt my readers were accepting of it, I'd like to keep the two separate. Living a Creative Life is important to me and is about art, being an artist, and all that entails. It got confusing and too personal for what this blog was originally intended. I had two choices: keep my thoughts to myself or find another outlet. I struggled with being so personal and vulnerable to such a wide audience.  Why?  Why should I record my struggles and make my journey so public?  I found two solid reasons.  I have had many responses from others walking the same path who said they found comfort in my words.  Second, because it has been cathartic for me as well. Since, I do not journal with a pen and paper, (I aspire to, but it takes too long. My ADHD can't take the time to write slowly enough that I have anything that resembles anything other than scrawls across a messy page!!)  typing,yes, typing is for me!  It flows almost as fast as I can think it, is easy to correct--and gloriously comes with spellcheck!!  This is my place. 

So I am beginning another blog about care-taking and it's many issues, challenges, joys and blessings.  I'm not sure what I will call it yet, so for now it's called "Caring for Dad".  It's content will be my thoughts and any help I have learned/recieved that can help others in this journey. It will also be a place where I will also speak of the spiritual aspect of my journey. I am a christian, so this will be part of my offerings. I hope it will be a place  I can not only journal my thoughts and experiences but also a place others find help and comfort.  I won't sugar coat it, but I will share both the trials and blessings.  So if you are interested, follow me to my other blog.  Caring for Dad. 

The last post I wrote on my art blog read a little whiney when I reread it!!  It wasn't written from a place of "whininess" and yet it read that way looking back. You would think I would learn to read twice and post once--wait that's measure twice and cut once--but you get the idea!  It's not as crucial when you are posting about art.  It is important to be sure you know what you rambled about before you hit publish when what you've written sounds like you are moaning (again) about your circumstances.   The very circumstances you've willingly placed yourself in!!  And while there are bad times, I wouldn't want anyone to read only that.  Because the truth is, there have been blessings beyond measure and this journey has taught me more about myself in four years than I probably learned in the first fifty!  (I may be a slow learner!)  So that's what this new blog will be about.  The good and the bad of my experience.  Not to moan and whine.  To encourage.  Many have written me to tell me how much my ramblings have helped them.  Sometimes it's just good to know someone understands the hard road you travel.  Sometimes it's good to spill your guts!  Whatever gets you through the day--one day at a time--was/is my motto! 

So I will begin with a little background. Twelve years ago we moved my mom and dad to Ohio so that I could care for them as they grew older.  Already 78 and 80, they lived in another state far from any of their kids.  Dad had been ill and almost died twice in those last few years and mom was uneasy being in another state with him so fragile.  And they were also both depressed.  It was not a good situation. 

Let me start and stop here: Depression is the #1 problem with the elderly.  And let me address this too--being around two depressed parents is a bummer! I will address my own depression that came with caring for parents in future posts.  But for your elderly parent, educate yourself on how to deal with that, because tough love and positive thinking may not do the trick. (Even if that's what they always managed to tell you or do themselves in the past) It may take counseling, and there are many resources for that. It could take insisting they get out and join a group and get some socialization.  It could take depression meds.  This, like the rest of the journey, needs to be traversed carefully.  I speak from experience and from doing it all WRONG!   Trust me when I say this may be the hardest part of the journey.  Watching someone, anyone you love, go through depression is tough. Feeling helpless against it and not knowing what to do is awful.  My advice is this: do something, anything.  And if it doesn't work, try something else, UNTIL YOU FIND SOMETHING THAT WORKS! Consult the Counsel for Aging Adults, or a mental health professional or a doctor.  Exhaust all and any of your resources.  I'd feel that way about it for anyone, but for the elderly who have lost so very much and have so very little to look forward to, I found it important for my own piece of mind to make sure that what little time they had left was spent in the best place mentally that I could get them to.   It's just my opinion.  heck, this whole blog is just my opinion, HA!  

Having addressed that issue, things went along pretty well for a few years.  They were still able to live independently in their own home, but the move proved very stressful for them.  On the scale of stressors, moving is right up at the top!!  Note: As my parents aged it seemed they didn't deal with stress as well.  Note-Note!: As I age I notice I don't handle stress as well.  Youth is so wasted on the young! Anyway, they weren't adapting well and this only added to the tension.  It was at this time that my mom started dropping hints that my dad was having issues with his memory.  The signs were there, but I just didn't see them.  Getting lost I would just chalk up to the move and unfamiliar places.  And that was true.  But it was more than that since my dad had always had an acute sense of direction and a keen mind.  Mom was constantly upset because he was always missing doctors appointments or getting there late, so she just took over all the scheduling.  Anywhere he has a deficit, she simply took it over.  They worked as a team, which meant we missed a lot of clues that dad's mind was failing. This is a theme I have heard over and over again.  We all blew it off because it wasn't a big deal and mom just stepped up. 

But then mom was diagnosed with an inoperable sarcoma.  That's when it all hit the fan.  She was 80.  She only complained a few times in the 18 months of excruciating pain and suffering.  My dad, sister and I cared for her with the help of hospice. That was seven years ago and it feels like yesterday and like a hundred years ago.  I miss her often.  My dad misses her every day.  It was that loss that I believe sent dad into a tail spin and sent the Alzheimer's into full tilt. This is not an unusual scenario. Note: loss of a spouse ranks at the top of the stressor lists. Another note: everyone grieves differently. They were married 64 years and the grief he felt was palpable. You might as well have cut off an appendage without anesthesia. It was so very hard to watch.  He still grieves today. They had a true love.  It wasn't perfect, but it was real and lasting and when it ended, I really thought it would end him.  But we are dealing with a man who was abused as a child, lived through three tours of duty in three wars and who has an indomitable spirit.  A survivor.  A warrior. That's my dad.  

This little blog is about my experiences and my dad's, yes.  But it's also about finding purpose, peace, blessing and God in the journey.  Your journey may look very different, but there are similar threads in them all. What I want to share are the incredible blessings and self revelation that have come from this process.  Painful?  Yes, sometimes it is.  But nothing worthwhile comes easy.  In the end, I will have no regrets.  (Well who am I kidding--it's me--I will have regrets I'm sure!! But you know what I mean!) In the end, I will have done what I believe God called me to.  And that is what I will be sharing with you. I believe caring for a parent looks different  in every situation, but there are many common threads. I've had lots of support, but there were times I felt like I was alone and in a very long tunnel with no one to talk to but my own echo!  My hope is that this helps someone along their path.  

And I we begin...thank you for reading. I pray God uses this to heal, bless and encourage many wounded and weary travelers!