Finishing Well

My mother always said "if you're going to do something, do it right". It's a good excuse not to do anything, since you know you can't/won't do it right!  And we had some pretty high standards in our house, so there was this thought process in me that said-if know you can't do it well why bother? It's a cop out really, but that saying, said by my mom repeatedly, shaped me. It's part of who I am now, and I believe it. There's something to be said for doing a thing to the best of your ability.

And along the way I picked up another...what do I call it? Life lesson? A goal? A burden? Ha-sometimes high standards can weigh a person down. This "standard" is: if you start something, see it through. Easier said than done and I don't think everything is worth finishing. I really don't. Sometimes it's just not worth the effort.  But I try to finish what I start as a general principle. And again, why start something if you aren't going to finish it? But do I finish everything? Heck no!!

All this leads me to my post today. When Dad gets hard to live with, or I get burned out, (or both at the same time!)  I wrestle with doing this right and seeing it through to the end. They are two different ideas or standards that can be done separately. One is hanging in there and toughing it out and the other is the quality of the job you are doing. You can just hang in there or you can hang in there and do a thing well. Lately, I've just been hanging in there. Don't get me wrong-there's value to hanging in there at times. I do, somehow, by God's good grace, stay married!! (Tom is a saint) So I think we have to decide what's worth finishing. But if a thing is worth finishing, isn't it then also worth doing well? To the best of our ability?  The meatier business, the challenge then, is finishing well.

So as I was thinking about writing this, I reread some of my previous stuff. Stuff I've published and stuff I haven't. I noticed a trend. I write after the fact. After a lesson has been learned or after I've had that "ah-ha" moment. It's why my blogger address is titled sacred-caregiving. Here are the first two definitions of sacred:

Sacred-adjective

1.devoted or dedicated to a deity or to some religious purpose; consecrated.

2.entitled to veneration or religious respect by association with divinity or divine things; holy.


I've said before that I feel this journey is less about my dad and more about what God is teaching me through caring for him. I dedicate this work of caregiving and this blog to the God who gives me the strength to do it. But I must admit, there are days, weeks and sometimes-those weeks stretch into months-where you would really wonder if that's true. If you saw how I behaved, my impatience, my sharp tongue. Days, weeks & months where I'm not doing it well at all. Hanging in there, yes, but doing things well, no. Burnt out, bummed out and ready to throw in the towel.

And thank you if you want to write me and tell me these feelings are normal and not to be so hard on myself. That it's a hard job and my feelings are valid. That may be true, but it's not a pass to speak harshly to him or to be unkind when he does something on purpose to irritate me. (I believe it's the only sport he has these days-and he gets reaction every time!! You'd think I'd learn??? ;) The irritation that rises after telling him the same thing six times in the same hour. You'd think knowing he has Alzheimer's would imbue me with supernatural patience and compassion. Wish it did. I still get irritated. No, there's a higher standard for this. A way to do this right. And I can't seem to do it right. But when I do catch that wave of love and compassion, I know its not me, and its sacred.

So as I reread my older stuff, my own blog ministered to me. Ah, and there is what's been missing! I keep trying to do this myself. To tough it out and push through. And I'm glad I did because out on the other side God's grace fills me with compassion, tenderness, patience and love. It's an ongoing process of learning to lean on God for the grace to do the job. Maybe one day, I'll learn this lesson? Because I do want to finish, but more importantly, I want to finish well.

On a Clear Day

I write today from my heart. I'm not going to second guess it or save it and read it tomorrow to see if I should put it out there. I write to give it my voice and to join with others who have or are going through the same. There is something about shared experience that makes it easier. So this is for me, but also for all of you I know are going through the same thing. I hope it encourages you.

I try to keep a glass half full approach to life. I live with a glass half empty dad these days. I wouldn't say he's unhappy, just old and tired and sort of done. His favorite saying is "the golden years suck!" His perspective is skewed by his losses and the betrayal of his body and mind. In his mind the good is behind him. I try not to judge that or lecture him to "look at the bright side", because I'm not sure he hasn't earned the right to it. I don't remember if he was so negative before mom died, but I don't think so.

 I tried to get dad to the barber this morning, but he refused to go because "I'm just too tired. I'm always tired anymore. I'm just tired. Let me sleep."  With those words was a weariness of the soul. I cancelled the appointment. Some days are better than others. I do my best to make his days easy, but I understand his limitations. Again, at 92 he's earned the right to take a nap an hour after he gets up!!

He would never say he's got/had it bad. He's just living in a very small world right now. That's hard for a guy who's seen most of the globe and done almost everything he wanted to do in life. So the glass really has emptied for this man who had the world by the tail most of his life.

 But sometimes I catch myself falling into the half empty glass with him. Because I live with/see daily the loss that comes with age, it's hard not to look down the road and think "well crap, this is gunna be a bummer!" When just getting out of bed is exhausting. And then I remind myself that while I may be captain of my ship, I have absolutely no control over the weather. Sure, I can steer the wheel. And on a clear day that might get me somewhere. But during a storm I am at nature's mercy and my best bet is to make sure I have a sturdy ship that can weather that storm. Because there will be another storm. One of the lessons I'm learning is: put up the sails and cruise for all its worth when the weather is good kids!

And another message I heard today: When the glass begins to look half empty and you see your parents enduring so much loss, you need to make sure your ship is storm ready. I know that God is in control and while I do not understand it all-deep in the why's and the "are you kidding me's?"-I've learned to trust even when I can't see through the rain in the storms. Sometimes I understand the why's later. Sometimes I don't. But to realize that He is the master of the clear day as well as the storm and that only He can keep my ship from sinking!

The storms serve a purpose. They help us understand our place in the scheme of things and the limitations of our ship. Our destination has more to do with where the storms blow our ship than our skills as a sailor and how well we sail on a clear day.

Just some thoughts on a clear day. Put up your sails and take your parent out on the water.