Finishing Well

My mother always said "if you're going to do something, do it right". It's a good excuse not to do anything, since you know you can't/won't do it right!  And we had some pretty high standards in our house, so there was this thought process in me that said-if know you can't do it well why bother? It's a cop out really, but that saying, said by my mom repeatedly, shaped me. It's part of who I am now, and I believe it. There's something to be said for doing a thing to the best of your ability.

And along the way I picked up another...what do I call it? Life lesson? A goal? A burden? Ha-sometimes high standards can weigh a person down. This "standard" is: if you start something, see it through. Easier said than done and I don't think everything is worth finishing. I really don't. Sometimes it's just not worth the effort.  But I try to finish what I start as a general principle. And again, why start something if you aren't going to finish it? But do I finish everything? Heck no!!

All this leads me to my post today. When Dad gets hard to live with, or I get burned out, (or both at the same time!)  I wrestle with doing this right and seeing it through to the end. They are two different ideas or standards that can be done separately. One is hanging in there and toughing it out and the other is the quality of the job you are doing. You can just hang in there or you can hang in there and do a thing well. Lately, I've just been hanging in there. Don't get me wrong-there's value to hanging in there at times. I do, somehow, by God's good grace, stay married!! (Tom is a saint) So I think we have to decide what's worth finishing. But if a thing is worth finishing, isn't it then also worth doing well? To the best of our ability?  The meatier business, the challenge then, is finishing well.

So as I was thinking about writing this, I reread some of my previous stuff. Stuff I've published and stuff I haven't. I noticed a trend. I write after the fact. After a lesson has been learned or after I've had that "ah-ha" moment. It's why my blogger address is titled sacred-caregiving. Here are the first two definitions of sacred:

Sacred-adjective

1.devoted or dedicated to a deity or to some religious purpose; consecrated.

2.entitled to veneration or religious respect by association with divinity or divine things; holy.


I've said before that I feel this journey is less about my dad and more about what God is teaching me through caring for him. I dedicate this work of caregiving and this blog to the God who gives me the strength to do it. But I must admit, there are days, weeks and sometimes-those weeks stretch into months-where you would really wonder if that's true. If you saw how I behaved, my impatience, my sharp tongue. Days, weeks & months where I'm not doing it well at all. Hanging in there, yes, but doing things well, no. Burnt out, bummed out and ready to throw in the towel.

And thank you if you want to write me and tell me these feelings are normal and not to be so hard on myself. That it's a hard job and my feelings are valid. That may be true, but it's not a pass to speak harshly to him or to be unkind when he does something on purpose to irritate me. (I believe it's the only sport he has these days-and he gets reaction every time!! You'd think I'd learn??? ;) The irritation that rises after telling him the same thing six times in the same hour. You'd think knowing he has Alzheimer's would imbue me with supernatural patience and compassion. Wish it did. I still get irritated. No, there's a higher standard for this. A way to do this right. And I can't seem to do it right. But when I do catch that wave of love and compassion, I know its not me, and its sacred.

So as I reread my older stuff, my own blog ministered to me. Ah, and there is what's been missing! I keep trying to do this myself. To tough it out and push through. And I'm glad I did because out on the other side God's grace fills me with compassion, tenderness, patience and love. It's an ongoing process of learning to lean on God for the grace to do the job. Maybe one day, I'll learn this lesson? Because I do want to finish, but more importantly, I want to finish well.