Caring for Dad

(Intro from my blog Living a Creative Life)  Because of the response to my posts on Care-taking, I decided to start another blog.  A blog just about caretaking, which for me has become a "sacred duty".  (I read that somewhere early on about caretaking and remember thinking "yeah, ok, right! It doesn't feel too sacred!")  I have struggled with my art blog and it not being the place for these kinds of thoughts, and while I felt my readers were accepting of it, I'd like to keep the two separate. Living a Creative Life is important to me and is about art, being an artist, and all that entails. It got confusing and too personal for what this blog was originally intended. I had two choices: keep my thoughts to myself or find another outlet. I struggled with being so personal and vulnerable to such a wide audience.  Why?  Why should I record my struggles and make my journey so public?  I found two solid reasons.  I have had many responses from others walking the same path who said they found comfort in my words.  Second, because it has been cathartic for me as well. Since, I do not journal with a pen and paper, (I aspire to, but it takes too long. My ADHD can't take the time to write slowly enough that I have anything that resembles anything other than scrawls across a messy page!!)  typing,yes, typing is for me!  It flows almost as fast as I can think it, is easy to correct--and gloriously comes with spellcheck!!  This is my place. 

So I am beginning another blog about care-taking and it's many issues, challenges, joys and blessings.  I'm not sure what I will call it yet, so for now it's called "Caring for Dad".  It's content will be my thoughts and any help I have learned/recieved that can help others in this journey. It will also be a place where I will also speak of the spiritual aspect of my journey. I am a christian, so this will be part of my offerings. I hope it will be a place  I can not only journal my thoughts and experiences but also a place others find help and comfort.  I won't sugar coat it, but I will share both the trials and blessings.  So if you are interested, follow me to my other blog.  Caring for Dad. 

The last post I wrote on my art blog read a little whiney when I reread it!!  It wasn't written from a place of "whininess" and yet it read that way looking back. You would think I would learn to read twice and post once--wait that's measure twice and cut once--but you get the idea!  It's not as crucial when you are posting about art.  It is important to be sure you know what you rambled about before you hit publish when what you've written sounds like you are moaning (again) about your circumstances.   The very circumstances you've willingly placed yourself in!!  And while there are bad times, I wouldn't want anyone to read only that.  Because the truth is, there have been blessings beyond measure and this journey has taught me more about myself in four years than I probably learned in the first fifty!  (I may be a slow learner!)  So that's what this new blog will be about.  The good and the bad of my experience.  Not to moan and whine.  To encourage.  Many have written me to tell me how much my ramblings have helped them.  Sometimes it's just good to know someone understands the hard road you travel.  Sometimes it's good to spill your guts!  Whatever gets you through the day--one day at a time--was/is my motto! 

So I will begin with a little background. Twelve years ago we moved my mom and dad to Ohio so that I could care for them as they grew older.  Already 78 and 80, they lived in another state far from any of their kids.  Dad had been ill and almost died twice in those last few years and mom was uneasy being in another state with him so fragile.  And they were also both depressed.  It was not a good situation. 

Let me start and stop here: Depression is the #1 problem with the elderly.  And let me address this too--being around two depressed parents is a bummer! I will address my own depression that came with caring for parents in future posts.  But for your elderly parent, educate yourself on how to deal with that, because tough love and positive thinking may not do the trick. (Even if that's what they always managed to tell you or do themselves in the past) It may take counseling, and there are many resources for that. It could take insisting they get out and join a group and get some socialization.  It could take depression meds.  This, like the rest of the journey, needs to be traversed carefully.  I speak from experience and from doing it all WRONG!   Trust me when I say this may be the hardest part of the journey.  Watching someone, anyone you love, go through depression is tough. Feeling helpless against it and not knowing what to do is awful.  My advice is this: do something, anything.  And if it doesn't work, try something else, UNTIL YOU FIND SOMETHING THAT WORKS! Consult the Counsel for Aging Adults, or a mental health professional or a doctor.  Exhaust all and any of your resources.  I'd feel that way about it for anyone, but for the elderly who have lost so very much and have so very little to look forward to, I found it important for my own piece of mind to make sure that what little time they had left was spent in the best place mentally that I could get them to.   It's just my opinion.  heck, this whole blog is just my opinion, HA!  

Having addressed that issue, things went along pretty well for a few years.  They were still able to live independently in their own home, but the move proved very stressful for them.  On the scale of stressors, moving is right up at the top!!  Note: As my parents aged it seemed they didn't deal with stress as well.  Note-Note!: As I age I notice I don't handle stress as well.  Youth is so wasted on the young! Anyway, they weren't adapting well and this only added to the tension.  It was at this time that my mom started dropping hints that my dad was having issues with his memory.  The signs were there, but I just didn't see them.  Getting lost I would just chalk up to the move and unfamiliar places.  And that was true.  But it was more than that since my dad had always had an acute sense of direction and a keen mind.  Mom was constantly upset because he was always missing doctors appointments or getting there late, so she just took over all the scheduling.  Anywhere he has a deficit, she simply took it over.  They worked as a team, which meant we missed a lot of clues that dad's mind was failing. This is a theme I have heard over and over again.  We all blew it off because it wasn't a big deal and mom just stepped up. 

But then mom was diagnosed with an inoperable sarcoma.  That's when it all hit the fan.  She was 80.  She only complained a few times in the 18 months of excruciating pain and suffering.  My dad, sister and I cared for her with the help of hospice. That was seven years ago and it feels like yesterday and like a hundred years ago.  I miss her often.  My dad misses her every day.  It was that loss that I believe sent dad into a tail spin and sent the Alzheimer's into full tilt. This is not an unusual scenario. Note: loss of a spouse ranks at the top of the stressor lists. Another note: everyone grieves differently. They were married 64 years and the grief he felt was palpable. You might as well have cut off an appendage without anesthesia. It was so very hard to watch.  He still grieves today. They had a true love.  It wasn't perfect, but it was real and lasting and when it ended, I really thought it would end him.  But we are dealing with a man who was abused as a child, lived through three tours of duty in three wars and who has an indomitable spirit.  A survivor.  A warrior. That's my dad.  

This little blog is about my experiences and my dad's, yes.  But it's also about finding purpose, peace, blessing and God in the journey.  Your journey may look very different, but there are similar threads in them all. What I want to share are the incredible blessings and self revelation that have come from this process.  Painful?  Yes, sometimes it is.  But nothing worthwhile comes easy.  In the end, I will have no regrets.  (Well who am I kidding--it's me--I will have regrets I'm sure!! But you know what I mean!) In the end, I will have done what I believe God called me to.  And that is what I will be sharing with you. I believe caring for a parent looks different  in every situation, but there are many common threads. I've had lots of support, but there were times I felt like I was alone and in a very long tunnel with no one to talk to but my own echo!  My hope is that this helps someone along their path.  

And I we begin...thank you for reading. I pray God uses this to heal, bless and encourage many wounded and weary travelers!