The Doubt and Guilt of Caretaking

As I sit to write another post I'm thinking that last blog was "it".  Yup, that's all I've got folks!!  I could just leave it at that and I've said enough. For me, this has all been a "God thing" and learning to lean on Him. So right now I kind of feel inadequate to go on. But I know what I've said has helped a few.  And it helps me to write it. So maybe if I babble on, my prayer is that someone else will find some comfort.  This is a post I've been thinking about for a long time. It has to do with guilt. Self imposed guilt and the guilt we take on from others who we feel judge us for our caretaking choices. (they may not understand and more often than not have our best interest at heart)

"Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gunna get"-- Forest Gump. You know--walk a mile in my shoes and all that wise stuff!  In the circles I run in now I am surrounded by lots of elderly couples whose spouses have Alzheimer's.  Many Alzheimer's patients get violent or wander around getting into things in the middle of the night or forget where the bathroom is in the house they've lived in for half a century and have accidents on the floor. Stuff like that. It's hard. One sweet woman in particular who I have come to know just had to put her beloved husband in a memory care unit. With no family close by she was "it" - his only source of care besides "Day Out" (our Alzheimer's program) one half day a week. These couples are my heroes!  But it had just become too much to handle. (We all have limits and reach them! I will blog about that in the future) There was so much sorrow in her heart over her decision.  It felt like a betrayal of her marriage vows to her husband. And he told her if she left him there he would'nt stay! You want to talk about guilt with a capital G!!  But I ask you, if you have reached a point where your loved one or you yourself are no longer safe physically, emotionally or mentally, what is the loving thing to do? In my opinion, she did the loving thing. 

When I took dad in there were many well meaning people who thought I was completely nuts.  Further into it, there were many who saw the toll they thought it was taking on me and strongly suggested this was not the right choice. For either of us. And I can see why they thought that. There are facilities that can care for the elderly and I could "get my life back".  Tempting to be sure. While I listened and really weighed their opinions, I knew they were wrong.  For me.  For my dad.  At this time. (I kept and continue to keep my options open) While I would not suggest in-home care--or discourage it--for anyone, I will say I didn't sense the same support for this choice that I might have had if I had chosen the other. But I've heard the same thing from those who made other choices. I'm not sure any decision is a win for anyone. There is a lot of loss here in this place and these times. And there are always sideline coaches who may mean well, but in "helping" may "help" keep us from finding peace with our decisions. What I will say about caring for my dad in my home it that it has given me valuable time with him that I will never regret. 

These decisions are never easy. What to do with a parent who should no longer live by themselves is a big deal. Often the parent can't make the decisions themselves and it is up to you to do that for them. That's a slippery slope if they are in denial about their situation or are going to fight you. Even if you have a compliant parent, how to handle that life change without them losing their dignity and pride is hard.  A move is a huge transition for anyone, let alone an elderly person.  There is no "right" answer across the board. You will go probably go through doubt and guilt before you make a decision--and after. Your choices and options are unique to your situation.  We made choices that we felt made the most sense at the time but more importantly, that were the most loving response to dad's situation.  We did the best we could do. And I'm sure you did or will too.

Just realize this: even in the best scenario's this is going to be gut wrenching. Stuff may and probably will happen that make you second guess your decision.  I know I did!  And it is really, really stressful for everyone involved.  So cut everyone a wide path. Further down that path it will smooth out a little. Take those times to enjoy your parent because we can't see too far down that road and you don't know what the future holds. You only have today.  "And that's all I have to say about that". --the great philosopher Forest Gump.